Gifts Translated

Gifts say things. Unfortunately for men, they don't always say what is intended. So, as a service to all the clueless men I know, I have written this gift guide where each gift is given a worst-case translation. I don't really expect this to help any men pick better gifts so much as make them perpetually nervous that any gift they do choose may be misconstrued in some incredibly awful way.

Candles
I forgot it was (your birthday/our anniversary/whatever) until I was checking out at the drug store, so I just grabbed something girlie-looking. See? It's purple with flower things on it.

Stuffed Animals
I think of women as curvier but no less silly versions of thirteen-year-old girls.

Flowers
I screwed up somehow and want to head it off before you realize it. I bought cut flowers instead of an arrangement so that now you will have clip off the ends, find a vase, and arrange them yourself. Hopefully you will be too busy to notice what I did wrong.

Chocolate
I know you are on a diet, but couldn't bring myself to care enough about you to think of something more creative to get you.

Jewelry
Version 1: Check it out, I have money and like to show it off.
Version 2: Check it out, I have no money but like to pretend I do by buying gaudy-looking cheap jewelry.

Perfume
I assume I know more about how you ought to smell and what kinds of toiletries you should use than you do.

Pajamas
I want you in bed.

Sports Memorabilia
I wanted this, but couldn't afford it plus a gift for you so I decided to multi-task. I'll want it back when we break up.

Little Souvenirs from trips
I went on a trip without you and wanted to point it out with some tacky souvenir that you can't even use and doesn't coordinate with your decor but that you will have to keep visible somewhere until we break up.